Third Year Slump

I’m a firm believer in continuing education. I’ve often dreamt that someday when my modeling career really takes off and I have lots of money and lots of time I’ll go back to school and get a couple more degrees: Law, Philosophy, maybe a language or two; whatever will help me confound debt collectors.

Of course, the real fantasy part of this fantasy isn’t my modeling career – seriously, any day now the desperate existential hollowness of enough hipsters will drive the market for sock garters through the roof, and then these calves of mine will be funding my early retirement. Booya.

No the real fantasy is that I’d ever set foot in a classroom again. Sweet Zombie Jesus did I ever hate classes.

And yet, some lessons, like toddlers at 6am, can be neither avoided nor ignored. And so, as a composition assignment I give you: Thirteen Fatherhood Lessons at Year Three.

  1. This will not get less expensive.
  2. Yelling, apparently, makes it true.
  3. Urine may either be the least or the greatest of your problems. Depending upon timing and geography.
  4. Silence is not distraction, or his ignoring you. It takes time to think about things sometimes.
  5. What he’s saying is very important to him.
  6. He gets sick of being around you all the time too.
  7. Everything, and I do mean everything, is negotiable.
  8. Developmentally speaking, right about the time that they become their moodiest and most argumentative is also when they start to be their most affectionate. Funny, the timing on that.
  9. Puppets. But seriously? Puppets.
  10. The things that comfort them now will inform how they comfort themselves for the rest of their lives. This is also true with shame and fear.
  11. As language and vocab explode, and interpersonal interaction develops, a child learns about behaving differently around different people, and in different situations. In other words, they’re playing you.
  12. Before, there were antics, now there are actual jokes.
  13. Don’t mess with the hair. Leave the hair alone.

Submitted for your approval.

I’m pulling for a C+ (“interpersonal interactions?” Them’s some smarty words!)

Happy Halloween.

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